I hate the international break. No Arsenal, no beers with the boys, no cheeky bets on 14-team accumulators that will never ever win, and nothing much to write about. Might as well do some work. Speaking of which… just been hauled in by the HR people. Apparently they were a bit unhappy with a job ad I put out. “Manager wanted: foreigners need not apply. No Portuguese, Croats or Spaniards. Definitely no Swedes or Italians. Black people can apply… but only if you're English.”
I explained that if it’s good enough for the FA to recruit the next England manager purely on the basis of nationality, it’s good enough for me. Unfortunately HR weren’t very Abbey Clancy or Coleen in the understanding and forgiving stakes.
The announcement by the FA that the next England manager will be English is not only amazing because you couldn’t work in any other industry in the world and get away with saying that, but also because pretty much all English managers are shit.
It’s a well-worn pub quiz teaser that no English manager has ever won the Premier League, and that Howard Wilkinson was the last to win a top-flight title – in 1992. What’s more, until Steve McLaren last season and Harry Redknapp this, only two Englishmen - Ray Harford and Bobby Robson - had ever managed in the Champions League. Those two are dead, so they probably won’t get it.
With one swift statement, the FA have ruled out all of the world’s best football managers – ignoring that the reason England aren’t good enough stretches far beyond the nationality of the manager – a lack of investment in grass-roots football, a non-competitive culture at schools, sub-standard development of players and the flawed mentality of English footballers to name a few (see: "He loves a foreigner, that Wenger", for more views on this).
Unsurprisingly, the FA’s suggestion sparked a hilarious onslaught of support from English managers jostling for the post. “Surely we have to find a manager from England, an English manager. I'm not talking about a Scottish manager or an Irish manager [worked that out, 'arry], I'm talking about an English manager because this is where we're from, this is our country,” twitched Redknapp.
“Absolutely the next manager should be English. Without a shadow of a doubt. I think you can learn a lot from other countries but it is adapting to the culture, adapting to the way the English players are. Of course I would be interested,” said Steve Bruce.
“If you want someone to get the best out of the players, then I think an Englishman is better than a foreigner. Well, I went for it last time, so it's obviously 'me',” added Sam Allardyce, who also recently declared himself ready for the big jobs at Real Madrid, Barcelona and AC Milan when they come up next. Quick word of advice, Sam: Don’t mention your Newcastle record of eight wins in 24 games during your interview.
Because the FA thought it would also be a good idea to advertise this job a full two years before it’s even available, there’s no guarantee any of these three will be appropriate candidates when it comes up anyway. Two years ago, Martin O’Neill, Roy Hodgson, Alan Curbishley and Stuart Pearce were being touted as the next England manager. You wouldn’t give it to any of them now. Allardyce might not want to leave Madrid, Barcelona or Milan in 2012. Bruce, who spent £50m getting Sunderland 11 wins from 38 last year, may not be able to leave the house due to his swelling potato head. And Redknapp might only be allowed to leave a cell in Parkhurst on day release.
Of course, whoever does the job, English or otherwise, today or tomorrow, I won't be watching. Not because of this latest episode of complete incompetence from the FA, nor England’s dour style of play, surplus of unsavoury players and apparent objection to bringing through new talent. I won't be watching simply because they’ve just selected Kevin Davies.
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