Neil Warnock’s nickname among the football fraternity is ‘Colin’. That’s because if you take all the letters of ‘Colin’ from his actual name, you’re left with ‘wanker’, which is what most people think he is. Hopefully, Jason Cundy’s middle name begins with ‘T’. Then we can all adopt a similar approach by referring to him as ‘Jasondy’ from now on.
Cundy played for Spurs and Chelsea, openly supports Chelsea and worked on Chelsea TV as a presenter, so I can accept he dislikes Arsenal. And, of course, he works on TalkShite, where the policy is to slate Arsenal as much as possible to get the expensive phone lines ringing. So it’s a given he will be about as praising of us as the National Union of Hookers is of the Crossbow Killer.
However, a look through TalkShite’s review of the year, which is focusing on a different ‘moment of the year’ each day, from each of its presenters and pundits, reveals that if he was a schoolkid and Arsenal were a girl, everyone would think he fancies her because he can’t stop picking on her.
The review has been running for three days. Day one featured the presenters’ game of the year. While Ian ‘Moose’ Abrahams chose Dagenham & Redbridge v Rotherham in the League Two play-off final, and the usually idiotic Adrian Durham gave the measured response of Arsenal 2-2 Barcelona “because it showed quality from Barca, spirit from Arsenal, and Theo Walcott showing what he’s capable of", Cundy picked Arsenal v Tottenham. That’s not unreasonable. On its own, at least.
But to then follow it up with Lionel Messi’s entire hat-trick in the goal (not three goals) of the year, followed by “Arsenal qualifying for this season’s Champions League” as his ‘biggest cock up of the year’, Cundy has shown he is, well, a complete Cundy.
In light of this, I’m carrying out my own review of the year, starting with the following category:
Favourite sportsman getting caught cheating on his wife in 2010:
Jason Cundy’s affair with Hannah Pedley being discovered by a family member who overheard him talking dirty to her on his mobile. (Click to read more)
Happy Christmas Jase.
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Love hurts...
When I was young there was this girl. She was beautiful, attractive and a pleasure to be around. She wasn’t tough or butch like the other girls. In fact, she was a bit vulnerable. But that was part of the attraction – I wanted to fight for her and protect her.
I courted her for a long time, singing her praises, focusing on her positives and her attractiveness, telling everyone about her potential. I fought for her and, eventually, we came to the edge of something special.
Then, despite all the promises and all the supposed shared desire, there was a sudden turn. I waited you see, but she didn’t turn up. The time and place was all agreed, there was an air of optimism and excitement. We were on the brink of proving everyone wrong when, without warning, she simply failed to show up.
In a moment I was crushed, as the realisation hit me that it wasn’t to be. I thought about pursuing it further, trying to force something. But I realised that you can’t make people want something. They either have the passion and the desire for it or they don’t. It’s either in them to want to make it happen, to create something special, or it isn’t. It’s down to them and them only and, if the fire doesn’t burn inside, then there is little you can do to change things.
So I gave up hoping. Dejected, I turned my thoughts to other things, blocking her out of my mind, ignoring what might have been. While I hurt on the inside and it ate away at me, on the outside I gave the impression, at least, that I was strong and together.
Then, after some time had passed, I saw her father. I brought myself to ask him what had happened. Why had all our promises been broken? Why did we not have what we thought we had? Why would we not be what we had the potential to be?
“The pitch was shit,” he said.
I courted her for a long time, singing her praises, focusing on her positives and her attractiveness, telling everyone about her potential. I fought for her and, eventually, we came to the edge of something special.
Then, despite all the promises and all the supposed shared desire, there was a sudden turn. I waited you see, but she didn’t turn up. The time and place was all agreed, there was an air of optimism and excitement. We were on the brink of proving everyone wrong when, without warning, she simply failed to show up.
In a moment I was crushed, as the realisation hit me that it wasn’t to be. I thought about pursuing it further, trying to force something. But I realised that you can’t make people want something. They either have the passion and the desire for it or they don’t. It’s either in them to want to make it happen, to create something special, or it isn’t. It’s down to them and them only and, if the fire doesn’t burn inside, then there is little you can do to change things.
So I gave up hoping. Dejected, I turned my thoughts to other things, blocking her out of my mind, ignoring what might have been. While I hurt on the inside and it ate away at me, on the outside I gave the impression, at least, that I was strong and together.
Then, after some time had passed, I saw her father. I brought myself to ask him what had happened. Why had all our promises been broken? Why did we not have what we thought we had? Why would we not be what we had the potential to be?
“The pitch was shit,” he said.
Wednesday 8 December 2010
It is a funny old game
Football’s a serious business: players cost millions of pounds and earn millions more each year in wages; clubs in northern industrial cities where the heart of the town has been ripped out and poverty reins as a result of the collapse of UK industry offer escapism for local people; and thousands of office staff, whole small businesses and endless suppliers survive on the money flowing into and out of the game.
So it’s great when this serious business gives you something to laugh about.
I laughed when Liverpool were third from bottom in the Premier League and, on a statue of John Lennon at the city’s airport that carries the words “above us only sky”, someone wrote “below us only Wolves and West Ham”.
I laughed when Liverpool’s Lucas, generally considered a disaster of a midfielder, was suspended for their game against West ham – and rumour had it West Ham were planning to appeal the suspension.
And I laughed when Gazza turned up to the Raoul Moat siege with a bucket of six chicken pieces, two large fries, a gravy, a small beans and a diet coke from KFC.
This week, we yet again get to laugh at Newcastle. The decision to sack Chris Hughton has been met with dismay in the football world, after he’d brought them up from the Championship without spending any real money, got them to 11th in the league, secured wins at home to deadly rivals Sunderland and away to Arsenal, and was working for a pittance by football manager standards.
It does stink a bit of bad chairmanship. Mike Ashley will probably be in touch with the England cricket selectors this week to advise them to drop the first team for beating the Aussies in the second test.
Whether Hughton would have kept Newcastle up or not, we will never know. They had failed to win for several games and got thumped in their last two away games, so it’s possible they would have ended up dropping into trouble. But what is laughable is the board’s reasons for sacking him: “To appoint a manager with more Premier League experience”.
Hmmm… who better then than Alan Pardew, whose Premier League experience can be summed up as leading West Ham through their worst run of defeats in over 70 years during the 2006-07 season, culminating in his sacking, and getting Charlton relegated from the Premier League the same year.
Despite this, he should fit in just fine at Newcastle with the likes of Joey Barton and Andy Carroll etc. Aside from having the type of judgment that thinks it’s ok to say “Michael Essien absolutely rapes Ched Evans” on Match of the Day 2, it’s well rumoured around the football world that Pardew was sacked from both West Ham and Southampton for having affairs with players’ wives. That may or may not be true. If it is, I hope he picks Joey Barton’s wife.
That would be very funny.
So it’s great when this serious business gives you something to laugh about.
I laughed when Liverpool were third from bottom in the Premier League and, on a statue of John Lennon at the city’s airport that carries the words “above us only sky”, someone wrote “below us only Wolves and West Ham”.
I laughed when Liverpool’s Lucas, generally considered a disaster of a midfielder, was suspended for their game against West ham – and rumour had it West Ham were planning to appeal the suspension.
And I laughed when Gazza turned up to the Raoul Moat siege with a bucket of six chicken pieces, two large fries, a gravy, a small beans and a diet coke from KFC.
This week, we yet again get to laugh at Newcastle. The decision to sack Chris Hughton has been met with dismay in the football world, after he’d brought them up from the Championship without spending any real money, got them to 11th in the league, secured wins at home to deadly rivals Sunderland and away to Arsenal, and was working for a pittance by football manager standards.
It does stink a bit of bad chairmanship. Mike Ashley will probably be in touch with the England cricket selectors this week to advise them to drop the first team for beating the Aussies in the second test.
Whether Hughton would have kept Newcastle up or not, we will never know. They had failed to win for several games and got thumped in their last two away games, so it’s possible they would have ended up dropping into trouble. But what is laughable is the board’s reasons for sacking him: “To appoint a manager with more Premier League experience”.
Hmmm… who better then than Alan Pardew, whose Premier League experience can be summed up as leading West Ham through their worst run of defeats in over 70 years during the 2006-07 season, culminating in his sacking, and getting Charlton relegated from the Premier League the same year.
Despite this, he should fit in just fine at Newcastle with the likes of Joey Barton and Andy Carroll etc. Aside from having the type of judgment that thinks it’s ok to say “Michael Essien absolutely rapes Ched Evans” on Match of the Day 2, it’s well rumoured around the football world that Pardew was sacked from both West Ham and Southampton for having affairs with players’ wives. That may or may not be true. If it is, I hope he picks Joey Barton’s wife.
That would be very funny.
Monday 6 December 2010
Gary Lineker. He’s alright really…
Arsenal’s rise to the top of the Premier League has given the media a tricky conundrum. Praising us would mean admitting they got it wrong when every single one of them said we’d be lucky to get in the top six this season, let alone mount a serious title challenge. Writing us off would look like a serious bout of sour grapes. While tipping us to win it would simply go against their anti-Arsenal stance.
Fortunately for them, our less-than-convincing route to the top, combined with Chelsea dropping points like Simon Cowell drops fat women from the X-Factor, means the media can fall back on the “Arsenal aren’t winning it, Chelsea are losing it” get-out clause.
Lawrenson and Hansen have adopted this approach on the BBC. Lawro and Al are each paid a staggering £1m a year by the BBC and are each chauffeur-driven - in separate cars, despite living a stone’s throw from one another - to and from their Scouse penthouses.
And what do you get for those extortionate salaries, paid for by our licence fee? Asked recently whether Arsenal have enough mount a serious title challenge, Hansen offered the following insight: “No.”
That’s a million pounds well spent.
Others have adopted a different approach. TalkSport have been largely ignoring the Premier League, focusing instead on the failed World Cup bid. At least Arsenal are saved from criticism there. Oh, apart from Adrian Durham saying Andrey Arsharvin “shouldn’t be welcome back in England for what he did to us” – namely, supporting his own nation’s bid and, when they won, sitting respectfully so not to antagonise the England delegation seated next to him. That’s the same TalkSport that wanted Eduardo banned for ten games for what is a yellow card offence for every other player, though. And the same Adrian Durham who said the only thing Eduardo ever achieved is to make himself a hero by breaking his leg. So let’s not bother ourselves with them.
Over on Sky, the mocked-up penthouse overlooking a picture of Stamford Bridge was this week’s location for the four Sunday Supplement journalists discussing title credentials. Their approach was to point out that Chelsea’s meltdown, combined with the lack of any other genuine contenders, has left the door open for Manchester United to storm away with it. No mention of the Arsenal at all, other than from one idiot who said of our defensive clash of heads for Fulham’s goal: “Koscielny has a lot to answer for. He takes a slight knock on the head and simply stops defending. Tony Adams would have brushed it off and carried on.” That’s the same Laurent Koscielny who was stretchered off, went to hospital, and will now miss a month with severe concussion. But yeah, he should have played on.
Amid all of this, though, is one voice of reason. And from an unsuspecting source. Gary Lineker, albeit probably driven by the embarrassment of Hansen and Lawrenson failing to give any genuine insight, can regularly be heard probing away on why Arsenal can’t win it.
Lineker is even openly tipping us to mount a credible challenge – something unheard of in media circles: “Will [Man U] improve massively on last season? Unlikely. I've got a sneaky feeling for Arsenal. They will have a chance,” he says.
Lineker, it seems, is breaking the mould of the traditional “say the popular thing people want hear” pundit in favour of genuinely trying to stir up a debate.
Apparently, it was Lineker who shouted his mouth off that England had gone out at round one of that boring World Cup bid thing – the BBC ran a breaking news strapline that said “Lineker tells BBC that England have gone out at round one”, before swiftly changing it to “An England source tells BBC that England have gone out at round one”.
And he’s combining it with some genuinely candid views: "The night before the vote I was ushered off to hang around the hotel lobby where all the Executive Committee were and to speak to the ones I knew. You feel like some sort of stalker waiting to pounce. We waited for our prey. What concerned me though, was that none of the Russians, Spanish or Dutch were doing the same.”
Lineker at least seems to have an opinion that isn’t just what he’s heard everyone else saying or something designed purely to stir up controversy. That may be because he’s an anchor (I’ve called him something close to that before) rather than a pundit. But either way it’s a bit more refreshing than the idiots on TalkSport and Sky. Let’s hope he’s just as good at predicting Arsenal’s chances of mounting a serious title challenge this year. That’ll wipe the smug million-pound smiles off the faces of Lawro and Hansen.
Fortunately for them, our less-than-convincing route to the top, combined with Chelsea dropping points like Simon Cowell drops fat women from the X-Factor, means the media can fall back on the “Arsenal aren’t winning it, Chelsea are losing it” get-out clause.
Lawrenson and Hansen have adopted this approach on the BBC. Lawro and Al are each paid a staggering £1m a year by the BBC and are each chauffeur-driven - in separate cars, despite living a stone’s throw from one another - to and from their Scouse penthouses.
And what do you get for those extortionate salaries, paid for by our licence fee? Asked recently whether Arsenal have enough mount a serious title challenge, Hansen offered the following insight: “No.”
That’s a million pounds well spent.
Others have adopted a different approach. TalkSport have been largely ignoring the Premier League, focusing instead on the failed World Cup bid. At least Arsenal are saved from criticism there. Oh, apart from Adrian Durham saying Andrey Arsharvin “shouldn’t be welcome back in England for what he did to us” – namely, supporting his own nation’s bid and, when they won, sitting respectfully so not to antagonise the England delegation seated next to him. That’s the same TalkSport that wanted Eduardo banned for ten games for what is a yellow card offence for every other player, though. And the same Adrian Durham who said the only thing Eduardo ever achieved is to make himself a hero by breaking his leg. So let’s not bother ourselves with them.
Over on Sky, the mocked-up penthouse overlooking a picture of Stamford Bridge was this week’s location for the four Sunday Supplement journalists discussing title credentials. Their approach was to point out that Chelsea’s meltdown, combined with the lack of any other genuine contenders, has left the door open for Manchester United to storm away with it. No mention of the Arsenal at all, other than from one idiot who said of our defensive clash of heads for Fulham’s goal: “Koscielny has a lot to answer for. He takes a slight knock on the head and simply stops defending. Tony Adams would have brushed it off and carried on.” That’s the same Laurent Koscielny who was stretchered off, went to hospital, and will now miss a month with severe concussion. But yeah, he should have played on.
Amid all of this, though, is one voice of reason. And from an unsuspecting source. Gary Lineker, albeit probably driven by the embarrassment of Hansen and Lawrenson failing to give any genuine insight, can regularly be heard probing away on why Arsenal can’t win it.
Lineker is even openly tipping us to mount a credible challenge – something unheard of in media circles: “Will [Man U] improve massively on last season? Unlikely. I've got a sneaky feeling for Arsenal. They will have a chance,” he says.
Lineker, it seems, is breaking the mould of the traditional “say the popular thing people want hear” pundit in favour of genuinely trying to stir up a debate.
Apparently, it was Lineker who shouted his mouth off that England had gone out at round one of that boring World Cup bid thing – the BBC ran a breaking news strapline that said “Lineker tells BBC that England have gone out at round one”, before swiftly changing it to “An England source tells BBC that England have gone out at round one”.
And he’s combining it with some genuinely candid views: "The night before the vote I was ushered off to hang around the hotel lobby where all the Executive Committee were and to speak to the ones I knew. You feel like some sort of stalker waiting to pounce. We waited for our prey. What concerned me though, was that none of the Russians, Spanish or Dutch were doing the same.”
Lineker at least seems to have an opinion that isn’t just what he’s heard everyone else saying or something designed purely to stir up controversy. That may be because he’s an anchor (I’ve called him something close to that before) rather than a pundit. But either way it’s a bit more refreshing than the idiots on TalkSport and Sky. Let’s hope he’s just as good at predicting Arsenal’s chances of mounting a serious title challenge this year. That’ll wipe the smug million-pound smiles off the faces of Lawro and Hansen.
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