Say what you see…

When I was a soap-dodging student, drinking pints of watered-down beer that cost one English pound and eating two-day old pizza and pasta sandwiches for breakfast, I had a lecturer who used to bang on about language being the tool of the oppressor. It is, of course, also the tool of the twat, particularly where football is concerned. I will never understand how Ian Wright gets so much media time, for example, while Bobby Gould’s appearances on TalkShite have given such recent observations as: “Wenger is sitting on the hot chair”, “John Motson is still wearing that shepherdskin coat” and “I’m what they call a country pumpkin.” Stop that sentence three syllables short and you’re getting close to the truth, Bob.

This week I’ve been particularly amazed by the things people have chosen, or been allowed, to say. Harry Redknapp, for example, appears to be allowed to call Samir Nasri a “diver” in order to cover up his team getting thumped?

“Really I think he's dived for the first penalty,” said Redknapp, ignoring the fact not only that it was a blatant penalty because you can’t trip people up in the penalty area, but also that we had a stonewall penalty turned down at 0-0, a perfectly good goal ruled out for off-side at 1-0 and that Robbie Keane’s equaliser was offside. Apparently it’s okay for him to accuse Nasri of diving. Sky didn’t feel the need pull him up on it. No news from the authorities either.

Redknapp also baited Wenger before the match with the comment: “You need to win. Winning is great and the fans want to see some trophies. I wouldn't want to be sitting in a position where the fans go: 'It was good, he played all the kids and didn't win nothing [sic] but he has a good youth team'. That doesn't work - not for me." 1-4 work for you, ‘arry?

[Having played down the Carling Cup so much in recent years, I’ve been careful not to give too much attention to the thrashing of Spurs at WHL. For those of you who feel differently, you can enjoy the highlights again here.]

Stoke were also mouthing off again this week. The team which managed to make Ryan Shawcross and themselves the victims out of Aaron Ramsey’s broken leg at the hands of, urm, Ryan Shawcross, have been complaining they’re yet to receive an apology from Arsene Wenger for pointing out their thuggish defenders are in danger of ending someone’s career with their reckless tackling. That was on Monday. On Wednesday Stoke’s Andy Wilkinson nearly ended the career of Fulham striker Dembele with a needless tackle on the touchline while 2-0 up in injury time. Stoke assistant manager Dave Kemp said: “There is no malice in his challenge - it is just over-enthusiasm." Heard that before, Dave. Guess he’s not that type of player… and Stoke are not that type of team.

Arsenal didn’t escape the idiot talk either this week. Our fourth-choice goalkeeper, what’s his name, you know the one… blasted “Despite our talks before the season, Arsene Wenger seems to forget he has a goalkeeper named Wojciech Szczesny in the team. He is avoiding me at every occasion. Wenger told me to fight for a first-team place, but then he didn't include me in the squad for the Carling Cup game. I'm ready to play at the highest level but I need a club that believes in a 20-year-old. In Arsenal there's no such bravery… if there's a move option, we'll have words." Don’t worry about the words Arsene, show him straight to the door. After all, this is the same “top-level” goalkeeper who in 2008 broke both his arms trying to lift too many weights in the gym. If he can’t judge that right, what chance does he have on crosses?

One player who hasn’t said much this week is Titus Bramble. Three weeks ago, however, I read in The Sun that Titus, the world’s worst ever centre back, was a changed man following 2003 allegations that he’d been involved in spit-roasting a 17-year-old girl with seven other footballers. "You have to stay strong and not give anyone anything to write about. Let your football do the talking,” he had proclaimed. Imagine my surprise then to see Titus charged with rape this week. Best not give anyone anything to write about, eh Titus?

Finally… I was pleased to be sent this viral in the week. So I no longer have to go through conversations like this is exactly why I write this blog [it contains very offensive language and probably shouldn’t be played in the office]:



Armchair observations

The downside of having a small child and a wife working shifts is missing the occasional game. Recouping 35 quid for my ticket, not having to stand in a cold Emirates devoid of atmosphere and abundant with idiot talk, saving 30 quid on a pie and a round of drinks and not having to traipse home on crap public transport at near-midnight is the upside. This week: small child to bed, telly on, good food and a comfortable seat for the game. As one of you said to me by text: “It’s like watching it in an executive box, but without the c*nts.”

From the comfort of my armchair, some observations:

I remain convinced, although slightly worried I’m paranoid (can you be paranoid that you’re paranoid?), of the media bias against Arsenal. ITV took particular joy in pointing out the game was “a mismatch” and “showed nothing to suggest Arsenal are any better equipped to win this than in previous years”. Andy Townsend went on and on and on about “how much harder it will be when Arsenal come up against Europe’s finest”. It’s a fair point, of course. But they were very praising of Chelsea’s efforts against Aldo Zilli FC, and had we watched Man U destroy a team in this way, I’m convinced they’d have been lauded for their amazing feat. Perhaps they’re waiting for us to come up against Rangers. Scottish football is rubbish. Man U vs Rangers was also a mismatch. But Andy Gray’s take was that Man U have nothing to worry about following a great attacking performance that only lacked goals. Yeah, just them goals that were missing. Nothing important. Lame.

Arsene Wenger has a grudge against me. Pre-match, during a moment of inspiration scrolling through my mobile PaddyPower app (how dangerous a creation is that?!), I lumped money on Arsenal to win 7-0. Odds of 175/1 would have knocked a nice chunk off next year’s season ticket. Bringing Denilson and Eboue on when we’re in full attacking flow is below the belt. The neighbours will be thinking two things this morning: I am very passionate about Arsenal going forward, even at 6-0 up; and Emmanuel Eboue is not my favourite all-time Arsenal player. Colourful language.

Picture the scene: Lionel Messi, the world’s shortest footballer, is in town doing a promotion. You secure a very brief television interview – a coup even for Sky. You have one question and one question only. You can ask him absolutely anything you want. Anything. So what do you ask the world’s greatest footballer? Sky: “Do you think Cesc Fabregas will join you at Barcelona?” Nice.

In-game, Arsenal cruising, playing some of the most stylish football you’ve ever seen. But wait, it’s been six minutes since we said something negative about Arsenal. Nasri makes a heavy challenge. Not a brilliant tackle, but not a dangerous one either. Commentator: “Don’t imagine Arsene Wenger saw it.” Twat.

Quote of the week: "He [Lehmann] belongs in the Muppet Show, on the couch or in a mental institution." Werder Bremen's goalkeeper Tim Wiese after Jens criticised his performance. Inspired.

Paul Robinson... just isn't that type of player

Sometimes I wake up on a Monday and think, if you’d have tried to script Arsenal’s weekend beforehand, you wouldn’t have needed to be Mystic Meg or that spoon-bender to predict much of what happened. This weekend was one of those.

• Most people would have expected us to hit four or five against Bolton.
• Everyone knew we’d concede at least one because we can’t clear long balls and because we have a clown in goal.
• No-one would have been shocked that Bolton turned up without that new “football” they apparently play.
• We all knew Kevin Davies would deliberately try to hurt someone in the first ten minutes and get away with it.
• We knew all the pundits would say “it’s an okay result for Arsenal but they still have frailties at the back (snore) and are a top-four side at best”.
• It was likely that if there was a sending off, no-one would say “that’s a sending off”, and leave it at that.
• I wasn’t amazed to hear Gary Cahill “has only had one red card in his career and isn’t that type of player”.
• I wasn’t shocked that our 24-pass move for a goal generated less media attention that van der vaart’s (van der faart as Lineker called him) long ball into the box that bounced luckily for Modric to bang in from a yard.
• And of course, I knew as always, that a half-time pie and a pint would cost somewhere close to what Rooney pays for a packet of B&H in a Travel Tavern.

One thing, however, never fails to amaze me – no matter how many times it happens. Why do managers of crap clubs visiting Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs, where nine times out of ten they will get a thumping, book themselves on to Sky’s Goals on Sunday the following day? They aren’t looking for work and don’t need the appearance fee. So it’s either ego or the willingness of Sky to point out all the injustices of their defeat that drive their Sunday morning exposure.

This week saw the turn of Bolton, who sent Manager Owen Coyle along to explain: “We were still very much in the game at 2-1 and the sending off of Gary Cahill [for a two-footed, both-feet-off-the-ground tackle-from-behind] was a ridiculous decision that changed the result.”

“I’m sorry to laugh, but I just find it such an incredible decision,” smirked the irritating little Scotsman. “When the smaller clubs come to the elite clubs, they don't get the rub of the green.”

Sky’s approach, as always, was to massage Coyle’s sense of injustice (almost physically) while replaying the “unjustified” sending off six times. Unfortunately for Coyle, while he rambled on that “you can say what you want but these things do not even themselves out over a season”, footage ran on to Paul Robinson’s attempt to break Abu Diaby’s leg.

“Should that have been a card?” whispered Ben Shepherd (who, incredibly, is married – but then so was Elton John). “That’s the first time I’ve seen it. I’d have to look at that one again,” replied Coyle.

Did Sky oblige? The answer, of course, is a predictable ‘no’. Not even one replay, let alone six.

Then again, things don’t even themselves out you see, and the big clubs get all the big decisions. And I guess Paul Robinson “just isn’t that type of player”.