In defence of the defence

To coin a cliché, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster of a week. My mood’s been up and down more times than the sights on Ashley Cole’s .22 at a gathering of work experiences kids.

From Sunday’s ignorant pre-match enjoyment scoffing Sherlock Burgers with friends, to the anger and frustration of our latest Cup Final disaster, to the pleasure of watching whisky nose get a taste of his own medicine and seeing Chelsea turn over Man U – we’ve experienced it all.

Contrary to the headlines, beating Orient at home doesn’t make up for losing to Birmingham.

However, there are reasons to be cheerful. One is that we are mightily close to the top of the league with just 11 games to go. Another is that I haven’t seen anything in Man U that tells me they should get more out of the next ten games than us. And a third is that we go to Barcelona feeling a bit like Charlie Sheen – still alive despite most people saying we’ll soon be dead, with two good ones already in the bag, and with a (potentially) very rewarding night ahead.

Sunderland tomorrow is our biggest game of the season so far. The pressure a win would put on Man U – as they head to Liverpool having won only four away games all season – could be a turning point. There’ll be a lot of focus on our damaged and bruised defence.

So, in their defence, I have compiled my list of five Arsenal defenders that make you glad we have the ones we have.

It is, of course, subjective. And, while there are plenty to choose from, here’s my top five…

Hail Caesar

If Laurent Koscielny thinks he had a bad League Cup Final for Arsenal, he should get himself a video of the 1988 final. The game made Gus Caesar, until then a peripheral defender, a household name… for all the wrong reasons. With seven minutes to go Arsenal were two-one up against massive underdogs Luton. Then, with the ball at his feet in his own area, and about to launch a simple clearance into just about where I was sitting, Gus kicked thin air and fell over – allowing Luton to fumble over the line. Revitalised, a last-minute Luton winner followed, and Gus became so notorious he was immortalised in Fever Pitch as an analogy for ‘so near yet so far’.

Including Gus in this list on the basis of one disastrous outing is a bit harsh. He had, after all, made an impressive start to his Arsenal career – debuting in a one-nil away win at Man U – and later revealed he played the cup final with a hernia injury because his chances had been so limited as David O’Leary’s understudy. Regardless, the game signalled the end of his Arsenal career – he played only five more times. Airdrie, Colchester and Cambridge followed before he moved to Hong Kong to sell insurance - because, presumably, it doesn’t require you to be able to kick a ball while standing up.

Gus recently said that he retired from the professional game because he was shocked and scared following the death of the Colombian defender who was murdered by his own people for scoring an own goal. He needn’t have worried. To score an own goal you actually have to kick the fucking thing.

Igor Stepanovs, tra-la-la-la-la…

Picture the scene: the club’s scout for Eastern Europe, no matter how trusted, phones up and says: “I’ve found the answer to your defensive problems.”

“Is he experienced,” comes the reply from the manager?

“No.”

“Oh. Who has he played for?”

“Skonto Riga, then Interskonto, then Skonto Riga again.”

“We’ll take him.”

Igor Stepanovs arrived at Arsenal at the age of 19, made as many appearances and departed for a career back at the Skonkos of this world. It was time enough, however, for him to leave his mark on Arsenal’s modern history. It’s certainly true that, to lose 6-1 anywhere, against anyone, the entire team has to play shit, and Arsenal weren’t helped on their 2001 visit to Man U by fielding a completely patched-up defence of Stepanovs partnering Grimandi.

However, it was Stepanovs who took the brunt of criticism – unable to get a grip of Dwight Yorke who bagged a hat-trick in helping the Mancs to a 5-1 half-time lead.

So bad was the performance that Wenger apparently crushed a polystyrene cup in the changing room at half time. Such was Stepanovs’ mark on the English game that, while reviewing the paper’s poll of the 50 worst Premier League players of all time, Times journalist Nick Szczepanik wrote: “If Igor Stepanovs does not make it into the top three, I hope the 47 previous players all sue The Times for slander, for even daring to suggest that they were worse than him.”

The other two might have been pretty pissed too.

Miss Cygan

On paper, Pascal Cygan looks alright. He cost £2 million, featured in some of our most important fixtures in the invincibles season, picked up a Premier League winners' medal in 2003–04, and played as an emergency left back in 05-06 - even being named in the Opta team of the week – when Arsenal won 12 of the 20 matches he played in and kept 11 clean sheets.

The trouble was he was slow. Very slow. Pretty much any ball over the top meant the striker was in on goal and, when he got found, out everyone took advantage. Of course, in reality, Cygan was no worse than, say, Senderos. But his ability to make frequent errors, and his lack of pace stopping him from recovering, signalled the end. He moved to Spain where, hopefully, he stocked up well on the sun cream to protect his cueball head.

Andy Linighan

Every dog has its day. Andy Linighan certainly had his - by scoring Arsenal’s winner in the 1993 Cup Final. The archetypal ‘Unlikely hero’. In the 119th minute of the replay, he leapt above Mark Bright – who had earlier busted Linighan’s nose with his elbow – to head the winner from a corner. Two minutes later, Arsenal lifted the cup.

However, those two minutes aside, Linighan’s Arsenal career was pretty non-eventful. In fairness, he had always been reluctant to leave Norwich but was forced to move because the Chairman wanted to sell. But when he did arrive he was mainly second-fiddle to Adams and Keown and was clumsy at best.

After leaving Arsenal he did have a second moment of glory – knocking out Palace Chairman Simon Jordan in a training ground bust up that earned him the sack.

He now spends his days working as a plumber somewhere in the north and, according to Ray Parlour, has a sign on his van that says: “Andy Linighan: Professional Footballer. Even Better Plumber.”

I’d have to concur.

Mikael Silvestre

Wenger is rightly lauded for unearthing many stars of tomorrow. But his judgment has certainly had moments of hideous cloudedness, and signing Man U reject Mikael Silvestre was one. Wenger actually paid money for the 34-year-old and, against all of his reasoning for releasing the likes of Pires, Ljungberg and Lehmann, gave him a contract longer than one year.

His response was that he was bringing in an old head to support a young defence. The trouble is Silvestre had old legs too. He was slower than a Libyan revolution (when will that sort itself out?).

The result was pretty harrowing. Although he scored against Tottenham and played in a win against Man U, he also scored an own goal in his first Champions League game for Arsenal, was criticised by Wenger and fans alike for allowing Tottenham to get a 4-4 from 4-2 down at the Emirates, and was at fault for Barcelona’s first goal when Wenger elected to play him ahead of Song in the absence of Sol Campbell.

Silvestre left. But not before he had taken our title and Champions League aspirations with him.

Best part of Sunday... Sherlock burgers