You'll never believe this...

There’s something in journalism called “the fuck-off factor”. In short, if you’ve got a story that you think would make the front page of The Sun, imagine yourself telling it to your mate down the pub. If his reaction is to say “fuck off, I don’t believe it”, then it’s probably good enough.

This weekend was a “fuck off” weekend. The early indications were fine. Spurs had found out just how hard it is to play a Premier League away game following a Champions League match; the Mancs were being held by Wolves with five minutes to go at Old Trafford; and, with us at home to Newcastle and Chelsea away the following day, I was already turning my thoughts to a perfect weekend.

So if, at 4.30pm on Saturday, you walked into my front room and said: “The Mancs will be the only team in the top four to win this weekend; Arsenal will put in one of their worst home performances for five years in losing to Newcastle; Torres will use the game against Champions and top-of-the-league Chelsea to remember how to score goals; and man of principles and honesty Arsene Wenger will be exposed for having a two-year fling with a part-time rapper” - I’d have told you to fuck off.

The worst thing about our result was that we didn’t even have the usual dominance and peppering of the opposition’s goal to keep our hopes alive. After about an hour it was blatantly obvious that we could still be playing now and probably won’t have scored. Of course, we couldn’t still be playing now because Arsene had to get home by 6pm to do some explaining, but you get my point.

Our forward line couldn’t control the ball or stay on side, the midfield couldn’t make a pass, the centrebacks now seem unable to header a football and we still have a goalkeeper who can’t punch. So yet again we’re counting our chickens that a Chelsea defeat means we’re “still only five points behind”, rather than celebrating the fact we’ve closed the gap at the top.

People keep telling me the good news is that if we’d beaten West Brom and Newcastle at home we’d be top by now. The bad news, of course, is that we can’t beat West Brom and Newcastle at home… and if you can’t do that, you’ll win nothing. In fact, if you can’t do that, you might just as well give up and fuck off.