New season, same old Sky

Some things never change. Ten things I hated about Sky's opening day coverage of Arsenal vs Liverpool.

I hated that they opened ‘Super Sunday’ with a lovely, warm, heart-felt, sycophantic piece about “what a lovely bloke Roy Hodgson is” and how he’s “one of the very best”… before Hairy Hands launched into Arsenal with: “No Fabregas today. We haven’t heard the last of that saga have we Paul Merson?” Probably not if you keep stirring it up.

I hated the badly mocked up “chance meeting” between Roy Hodgson and Jeff Shreeves that started with a surprised “hello Roy”, as if to suggest they weren’t expecting to see each other – despite being on the pitch, the cameras rolling and them both being mic’d up.

I hated that Joe Cole is “Joe”, Gerrard is “Stevie G”, Red Nose is “Sir Alex”, Allardyce is “Big Sam” and Paul Scholes is “Scholesy” – while Wenger is “Wenger” (or sometimes “Whinger”), Fabregas is “Fabregas” and Eduardo was “a cheat”.

I hated that they genuinely tried to claim: “Incidentally, Wenger has committed publicly to the club… isn’t that just a move to try to persuade Fabregas to stay?” Hmm, that makes sense.

I hated that Hairy Hands said “Wenger’s got it wrong not picking van Persie hasn’t he, because if you’re fit enough to be on the bench, you’re fit enough to play”, only to also say: “You can understand Torres being on the bench – he hasn’t had a lot of game time.”

I hated that, on seeing Koscielny come back out, Jamie Redknapp was allowed to say “Look at that, he’s come back out. Now you have to wonder”, implying 1) that Koscielny pretended to nearly have his knee snapped by Joe Cole, and 2) that he should only get a red card if he actually puts him in hospital.

I hated that Joe Cole was “not that type of player”, which presumably makes it alright then. Ryan Shawcross and Matt Taylor also weren’t “that type of player”.

I hated the endless stats. The best, not from this game, but the Forest game just beforehand: “If Leeds lose here today it will be the club’s 800th away league defeat – no-one will want to be a part of that”. Really? And, who worked that out anyway?

I hated that Andy ‘we said that might happen’ Gray still knew everything that was going to happen before it happened… but didn’t say so ‘til after it happened.

And, most of all, I hated that I had to listen to them endlessly telling me I can watch the game in HD, 3D, 2D, Big D, Maccy D, Double D, Jack Dee, Kiki Dee, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich. I was half expecting Keys and Redknapp to be replaced by Richard and Ju-‘d’. Never been more bore-‘d’.

Welcome to the new season.